Prayer 01

親愛的天父，

感謝你今天賜予我的一切美好。

我知道，我生命裡所有美好的事物都是你的賜。

願你借著你的良善和榮美，向我展現你的真我。

奉耶穌基督的名禱告，

阿們🙏

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for all the good things you have blessed me with today. 

I know that all the good things in my life are gifts from you.

May you reveal your true self to me through your goodness and beauty.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen 🙏

I Met My Younger Self for Coffee

She was 15 min early. 
I was 15 min late. 

She ordered a hot caramel macchiato.
I ordered a hot soy chai latte.

She asked if I married someone who liked the same things we do.
I told her sort of - he likes our childhood memories. 

She asked if we lived within 2 blocks from our parents.
I told her we moved about 30 min away.

She asked how it was to have 1 baby girl.
I told her that we have been blessed with 2 amazing daughters.

She asked what it was like being a psychologist.
I told her that we never did that, but we found an incredibly flexible job where I work from home and can be present with our children like how we've always wanted. 

I missed her so much. 

I cried. 

I desperately want her to know and accept that she is so loved by God and that she is enough. 

I hope we have coffee again soon.

=============================

God has a plan. He has you in His hands. 

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:4 

~ 2/12/2025 

High school me and 35 year old me 

Mommy, You Don't Have to be Sorry

Disclaimer: Not written by me

Dear Mommy,

You don’t have to be sorry.

The other day, I heard you crying in the bathroom. That was the day that you just couldn’t take it anymore. My brother spilled a gallon of organic milk, which apparently “costs more than college,” and I had an accident on the floor. We both had been screaming and crying all day, and we wouldn’t leave you alone even though you asked for just five minutes. You locked yourself in the bathroom, and you cried. When you came out, you hugged both of us, and you said you were sorry.

Mommy, you don’t have to be sorry.

Then there was that day that you were on your phone. A lot.
You said there were some things you wanted to read and pictures you wanted to see. When you tucked me in at night, you told me you were sorry you were on the phone so much.

Mommy, you don’t have to be sorry.

I remember the day that I was following you around the house crying because I wanted to be held, but you had so much cleaning to do because Grandma was coming. Once all the cleaning was done, you picked me up and cuddled with me on the couch for a minute before I jumped off your lap. That one minute was all I needed, but I saw the look on your face.

It’s the same look you make when you tell Daddy, “One day soon, they won’t want to be held at all.”

Mommy, you don’t have to be sorry.

Remember the day you yelled really loudly at me? So loud that it scared me and I started crying? And I was confused because I was scared and I usually want you when I’m scared, but you were the person who scared me, and I didn’t know what to do? Your face softened right away, and you picked me up and promised never to make that sound again.

Mommy, you don’t have to be sorry.

You don’t have to be sorry that you have bad days. I have bad days, too, and you always tell me that it’s OK to have a bad day.

You don’t have to be sorry that you didn’t make dinner. I love when you tell us that dinner is a picnic and we snack off a cheese plate that you put on a blanket on the floor.

You don’t have to be sorry that I didn’t get a bath last night because you were too tired, or that you didn’t want to read a third story, or that you got frustrated because I kept crawling out of bed.

Mommy, I see you. I may not always thank you, or tell you I love you, or do what you want me to do, but I do see you.

On the days when you feel sorry, please remember the way my face lights up when you walk in the door, or how your kisses are somehow magic when I’m hurt.

You don’t have to be sorry.

When no one else understands what I’m saying, you do.

When no one else can comfort me, you can.

When no one else could put up with my bad days, you do.

You may not be perfect, but you are the perfect mommy for me.

Love,

Your baby

Spring Flowers

Tree in Bloom

Spring Weekly Photo Challenge

Here we go again - join me in a weekly photo challenge until 6/30/2015!

Like always, there is a window of 7 days (starting on a Monday) for you to respond each prompt. This way, you can post anywhere from 1 - 100+ pictures under a certain theme.

Feel free to jump in at any time!

Let's see what we can come up with together this season.

Privilege

I don’t deserve what I have, and what I have is better than most people in the world have.

How can I take credit for being born and the comforts that I have in my life?

Dress

Eye-Level

I see Autumn and falling leaves.

What do you see in front of you?

Vintage

Vintage - Characterized by excellence, maturity, and enduring appeal

Where You Stand

"Truth at last cannot be hidden....Nothing is hidden under the sun."   ~ Leonardo Da Vinci

We all stand beneath the same sun.
Or some of us will choose to lie beneath it and soak in its warm, which is most definitely one of the greatest joys that Nature grants us. 


"Is it so small a thing To have enjoyed the sun, To have lived light in the spring, To have loved,  to have thought, to have done." ~ Matthew Arnold

Relaxation

Sometimes just having a friend close by and knowing that you can let yourself be who you truly are is enough.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.”
- Charles M. Schulz

Photo Challenge #1: Relaxation 

Weekly Photo Challenge

Join me in a weekly photo challenge until 12/31/13!

There is a window of 7 days (starting on a Monday) for you to respond each prompt. This way, you can post anywhere from 1 - 100+ pictures under a certain theme!

Let's see what we can come up with together!

The Ultimate Release

Su Tong raises an extremely realistic issue through his character concerning the problem of the self in Chinese society. What does it mean to be an individual living in China during the time of the 1950s and beyond? What are the consequences of a man who yearns so hard to lead his own life and to release himself? Through the instance of Sanmai, then perhaps there is no release in life on this earth. The only release is through death – the ultimate release from life.

Chen Senmai’s kites are the representation of his desperate hopes and dreams of being free. In his eyes, they are magical. They symbolize the happiness that fate will not allow him to have. As the sites’ strings snap in the wind, their fates seem to be “unpredictable and ever-changing.” As the end of the story approaches, as the end of Chen Senmai approaches, the ends of the kites are revealed that they are caught by the trees in a forest of nature. Perhaps the kites will never be freed from the hands of their foes or perhaps they will, but Chen Senmai will never be able to see them freed, just as he was never freed.

“If I ran to the ends of the earth, I could never escape.’ Those were my uncle [Chen Senmai’s] last words.”

No other title would be as fitting as “Escape,” because that is the life of the story. It is the life of its characters, rather it be Chen Senmai or his wife. His wife is not released from her ties with her husband until his death. That is when “her heart was completely cleansed” and has nothing left to worry about. Given the narrative mode of the story, she will never escape the constrictions of her status as a female in society. She does not have her own voice, even the story of her own husband is told from a retelling told by a relative who calls her “aunt;” thus, a relative who is supposedly younger and inferior in terms of generation status. She never even has a name in the story.

Regardless of male or female, the question of self and the vulnerability of an individual remained a significant issue of Chinese society in the 1950s and its later years. It was a time powered by nationalism. There should be pride in the history and unity of the people’s nation. There was pressure from constant reminders that the culture as well as literature must reflect the class interest of the common people and promote mass organizations in order to ensure centralization. Those against the community were in essence against the country. There was no room for criticism and opposition.

Su Tong may not be focusing on the political aspects of China in those times, but he convincingly illustrates the pains and torments from trying to balancing society while trying to preserve the individual.

“Escape” is a profound tale filled with many messages ranging from simple family dynamics and basic life issues to the question of humanity and the meaning of living freely. It is a story of life.

"Escape" (1991)

“Escape,” a short story written by Su Tong, describes the tragic life of a poor man who spends the majority of his life trying desperately to escape – to escape family, to escape obligations, to escape living, to simply escape – and even when death is only a footstep away, he still yearns for this release. Chen Sanmai’s desire and weakness not only leads him to his ultimate demise but also damages the life and spirit of his wife, who remains nameless throughout the tale. Their family saga closely depicts how helpless and dysfunctional humans are as they are caught up and blinded by their innermost obsessions. Su Tong does not hesitate to reveal the vulnerability and depravity of his characters to show the ugliness and conflicts of people and their effects.

Escapes mar the past of Chen Sanmai. There seems to be nothing that he did not run away from, but every escape seems to only lead to horrible results. Sanmai “ran away when [his family] asked him to eat; he ran away when [his family] asked him to take a bath…when he grew up and [his family] found him a wife, he still ran away.”

He runs to the city but has to leave when he catches a horrible disease. He leaves his home quickly after his return and is forced to join the army out of sheer self-preservation, and it is because of self-preservation that causes him to leave the army to return home. And again, it is self-preservation that makes him believe that he had to leave home or else he will die in the hands of soldiers hunting for deserters like him. Even as his wife finally finds him in his last hiding place by his deathbed, he is still waiting and staring with wishfully of his kites with broken strings that are trapped on trees.

Chen Sanmai portrays the struggles and despairs of a man who is suffocated by society’s restrictions and demands. This can be seen throughout his long history of escapes from the orders and wills of his parents, from his abandonment of his wife, and from his desertion of his military obligations.

He can never do what he wants. He is trapped even in his home. The home, supposedly a place of comfort, only acts as a further entrapment on his life and self. There is no freedom anywhere. There is no genuine control over one’s life. Under such pressures of conformity, the only thing that Sanmai wants to do and can do is to run and escape, but he cannot even do that. He cannot escape.

The Message of Dorian Gray

The Picture of Dorian Gray brings us further into the concept of desire and illustrates quite vividly of its power, its weakness, its beauty, its ugliness, its motivation, and its destruction. It also presents the ideals and allures of theories, such as aestheticism and hedonism, and reveals the reality of these concepts when practiced through human hands. The many intricate relationships between ambition, morality, sin, one’s conscience, the individual, and society can be quite astonishing.

The complexity of these connections depicted is definitely one of the key elements in capturing my attention and earning my admiration for the novel. I received many messages from this classic story, not simply about the world around me but also the world within me. Yet, when I try to piece them all together, the messages seem to be ambiguous or contradictory.

Take Dorian Gray for example – perhaps you will disagree with me, but I cannot deny the magnetism and charisma of Dorian Gray. Even though I know exactly how dangerous and hideous he truly is on the inside, I still cannot resist being pulled in by the form that he allows the world to see. I may not be completely attracted to him, but there are still elements of his entity to be admired.

He is art. Dorian Gray is art.

As Wilde says, “it is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors.” If Dorian Gray truly resembles the evilness of life, then what is it trying to imply about me?

But if beauty is there, how can it be denied? Shouldn’t art be appreciated for art’s sake? Art only needs to be beautiful. There should be no other use, and its justification of Art’s existence is that it is admires intensely. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, Preface)

Perhaps this sort of conflict, this ambiguity and complexity, is exactly what Oscar Wilde is trying to tell us.

You cannot view this world as purely black and white. There is black, and there is white; and there is gray as the two intermingle as they come into contact. You are not purely evil, and neither are you purely good; you are a combination of the two.

There are opposing forces, ideas, and views inside us and outside us that are struggling to live in the same place. They are currently coexisting in one time and one place. The end result may be as clear to you or as vague as Dorian’s demise, but the certain thing is that, as of now, there are two sides to the world, two faces of the being, and their line of separation cannot be so precise. To force a separation thoroughly earthly means is harmful, painful, and utterly impossible other than the means of death.

One thing with living in this world is to learn to come to terms with the openness in life and finding your definition of “you” and “life.”

I could be completely wrong about this final message from Dorian Gray, and Oscar Wilde could actually mean something absolutely different by his novel.

But, this is my own interpretation and my own definition about the work,

and isn’t that what Art is?

Isn't that what Life is?

~ My Work ~

Our Love for Rochester

Edward Rochester – a man with a grim, dark face & stern features, a man with a past unclear only to be revealed as unclean, and a man with perhaps questionable behavior.

Yet, even with all his flaws, externally and internally, this is the man of “every woman’s dream” (see video below). & yes, every woman’s notion of Edward Rochester is different because he is such an emotionally complex man, but undeniably, he is attractive.

What is so captivating about this man,
even after all his mistakes and faults,
that makes us unable to do anything but to forgive and continue to love him?
Rochester is a wild and passionate man. His excitingly mysterious personality is refreshing compared to the stale, static life we often lead. He is unafraid to express his emotions. He is free with his words and passions – a bit too excessively even. He dared to dream.

Just as Jane Eyre (& yours truly) finds Rochester’s personality refreshing, Jane’s personality to him is also a breath of fresh air. It is her spirit that he is attracted to and is captivated by. He understands and greatly values her for who she is underneath it all.

We love Rochester first because he is a passionate man that speaks the language of our hearts and sings the melody that the world has stopped our spirits to sing. He wants to release us from the cage that society has placed us in.

How can we resist the temptation of such calling?
He beckons us like the Sirens beckon sailors.

We love Rochester second because he loves us for our minds. “Your mind is my treasure” (Jane Eyre, Chapter 27). Such words from a man who has gone through the painful mistakes and fruitless sins of shallow relationships for beauty, money, and social considerations; such words from a man who’s yearned for so long for a kindred soul to which he finally finds in Jane, we cannot help but to take these words to heart with genuineness.

We know for certain that it is our spirits that speak to each other and that appearances are of no consequence; after all, he is no beauty himself.

As much as we want romanticize and idealize Rochester (as he does with Jane), we cannot ignore his humanness and ugly crimes – the most fatal one of hiding and lying about his marriage and believing that he can get away with it as well as trying to make a wife in his eyes and develop her into his fantasies.

He forces us into his fairy tales that he uses to evade reality, and they are so far from reality. As much as we wish to indulge ourselves in them with him, we know who we truly are – his fantasies simply are not what we are. We have to force ourselves away from this unhealthy relationship.

As painful and horrible as it is to turn away from him, we must, because indulging in such unrestrained passion will only lead to destruction as reality unfolds.

Many people will ask how can you love this man so much? He locked a wife in the tower, led a bachelor’s life, hid the truth from you, and hid the truth from you?

To them, we say, have man no sin? Have you no sympathy for a man who has suffered and isolated himself from the world because of guilt? He may be imperfect, but neither am I perfect. He has his past, and I have mine.

And mind you, we are not so foolish to just blindly accept and condone and excuse his wrongs. Oh outside spectator, you do not understand how much strength was actually required to leave him because of how morally wrong the situation was. Forgiveness may have been given easily, especially with our unconditional love for him, but wrongs cannot be vanished into thin air.

Rochester does indeed suffer and is punished severely for his sins, and he is left blinded and crippled for them.

We love Rochester third because, in the end, he can finally see us and accept us for who we are, as we are, in reality. As damaged as he may be, the spirit that lived inside of him that first responded to the calling within us is still there. He is still just as eager to receive us as the first time when he came across our spirits.

His once excessive choleric temperament is controlled. He does not place us on his own idealistic pedestal anymore. We are now truly his equally, and we can live side by side as equals.

He is ready to truly love.

We say to him, “choose then, sir – her who loves you best.”

He says, “I will choose –

her I love best.”

---

A little hesitant to show a video with an actor portraying Rochester, but good commentary on the character!

Dependent on Others' Strength - You

“If you fasten your feebleness on someone else’s strength, the existence for you must be a scene of continual change and excitement or else the world is a dungeon.” – Jane Eyre, Chapter 21

How true this quote is. & not just for fictional characters from the lines of a novel, but for you and me as well.

How many times have you sought out a friend for support?

By no means am I against that, in fact, I think it is needed that we have people who understand us, who accept us for who we are, and have them by our sides as we live in this world that tends to leave us feeling lonely and unwanted. Surely it is not hard to see why Jane and Edward felt such a strong attachment to each other.

But how many times have you constantly sought out the same friend for the same exactly problem from all those years ago? Or maybe it’s not the same friend, but simply different people?

How many times have you felt that satisfying release from being freed of the burdens from the chains that have tied your heart down for so long even for a short moment?

How comforting and freeing it is to have someone to encourage or just listen to all the torments and struggles that your spirit has been forced to endure – even for a short moment.

In the end, the problems don’t go away. The chains remain. When the pressure rises again from within your heart, you are left to relive this cycle of seeking out a kindred spirit.

When we depend on another human being to be strong for us, we are simply finding excuses for ourselves to not face reality. It is simply a means to find a momentary borrowed strength to escape the pains in life.

Eventually, we will grow tired of these dependent relationships because we feel that they are not enough to cover the pain that we feel and is constantly threatening to resurface.

Only when the strength comes from a source within ourselves can we conquer the pains of life. Only then will we stop moving from one external and fleeting source of strength to another.

When the pressures rise again from within your heart - when you are ready - you can find the power to force them back down.

Be strong for yourself, because no one can be strong for you.

---

Have you fasten your feebleness on someone else's strength?

Dependent on Others' Strength - Jane Eyre

Jane Eyre’s entire life has been a journey of learning to be independent, to finally be able to settle in a place where she is entirely at peace without the dependence and influence of anyone around her.

“If you fasten your feebleness on someone else’s strength, the existence for you must be a scene of continual change and excitement or else the world is a dungeon.” – Jane Eyre, Chapter 21

The quote, although not directed to Jane, pretty much describes the way that Jane has been leading her life. Jane has never seen value in her identity because of her status as an orphan, a poor person, and a woman. She struggles to keep her emotions and unique spirit in a world that tries very hard to force her to fully suppress herself. She seeks out, perhaps unknowingly, for figures to help her deal with her conflicts with her external environment and within herself.

In her childhood, she attaches herself to Helen Burns, who does well to advice Jane on a mentality that will keep her sane in this world. After Helen’s death, Jane finds support in Miss Temple. When Miss Temple marries and must leave Jane, Jane feels trapped by Lowood. She grows tired of the rules and systems that she became accustomed to, which was fine to her until her strong figure Miss Temple leaves, and yearns to be a part of the real world that is full of sensations and excitements.

After Lowood, Jane meets Edward Rochester. His untamed passion speaks to her own, hidden passion. She feels and knows that their spirits are the same. She cannot help but be greatly influenced by him and become exceptionally attached to his strengths, personality, and spirit. But, Jane also recognizes the dangers of leading a life being consumed entirely by urges; it is not realistic and ultimately destructive.

She must leave Rochester.

We see through Jane’s life that until she finds her strength that solely comes from within herself, she cannot settle down. She must keep moving or else she will feel a sense of entrapment in regards to her identity.

Jane returns to Rochester because she is sure of her identity and strengths; she has a family, she has an inheritance, and she is an independent woman. She can stand strong on her own. She is ready to love and welcome the passion that is Rochester without the fear of being consumed by his fire.

In the end, Jane Eyre and Edward Rochester can finally be together, because they are two completely renewed puzzle pieces that have each gone through their own version of tribulation and cleansing to form independent yet matching identities in order to experience a genuinely lasting love between two people.

It is a love where both people are certain and content of their own world to let the integrity of the other remain intact as the two collide.

It is a love that truly fulfills each other.

Dependent on Others’ Strength – Edward Rochester

“If you fasten your feebleness on someone else’s strength, the existence for you must be a scene of continual change and excitement or else the world is a dungeon.” – Jane Eyre, Chapter 21

I definitely think that this quote represents the lives and tendencies of the 2 main characters of Jane Eyre. Let's begin our reflections with our leading male character.

Edward Rochester may have been a strong and passionate man, but he still has his weaknesses.

He is still helpless, in particular in his entrapment by a forced marriage. Because of his inescapability from this situation that he so desperately resents, he is constantly trying to “free” himself by being involved with many temporary mistresses. He fails to find genuine solace in them because the short-lived relationships were not strong enough to sustain lasting excitements for him to feel the joys of life and to feel what it means to be alive again.

They are not enough for him.

He finally meets Jane – a girl whom he can see has a spirit the same as his and has such a strong and unconventional character that he realizes that she is the one who he has been searching for all along. She is the one who he can depend on and trust to revive his dead life.

As Rochester says, he is “a repentant man going against the world’s opinion to a gentle stronger, therefore by securing his own peace of mind and regeneration of life.” Jane Eyre is his “gentle stronger.” He believes her spirit is strong enough to sustain the peace in his life and to allow him to feel alive again.

She brings out the passion in him.

However, Jane realizes the dangers of such attachment and tells Rochester that “reformation should never depend on a fellow creature;” it must come from the strength within, a strength in which he must draw from God himself.

Furthermore, Jane sees that if she agrees to be with him as a mistress, one day he will also grow tired of her, and when her personality goes against his will, he will be “displeased” with her and cannot love her as he does now in his current stage of blinding passion for her.

Only when Rochester repents out of his own desire, strength, and will does he find true love and everlasting happiness. He may be physically handicapped, but his inner strength is so much more independent compared to before. He is no longer helpless spiritually.

He may be physically blind, but his heart is finally clear. His heart and mind are no longer clouded by his vehement passion.

He cannot fasten his inner weakness on Jane’s strength any longer.

He becomes his own person. He has found balance within himself.

His existence is finally at peace.

The world is no longer a dungeon for him.

Jane can finally return to him.