Under the Lights

The dim, yellow lights above guided our path to my house, and I found myself laughing lightly again at his words.

It was his first time visiting them here.

He’d met them before but still I felt nervous. He squeezed my hand gently as if I hadn’t responded to something he said or asked. I looked up and smiled softly at his face. He gave me comfort however unknowingly.

We had finally arrived.

My mother and aunt were drinking tea in the family room. I could hear the easy chatter even at the front door.

I walked past the threshold and said to the two of them just as I turned towards the stairs,

“Hi mom, hi Aunt May. I’m just going to grab something real quick. I’ll be right back. He’s here for a little bit, but we’re going to out again real soon.”

I left him alone with the two of them, and he sat by my mother, across from my aunt. They nodded and smiled at each other. My mother and aunt continued to smile politely but tried to speak to each other in a softer tone.

When I finally came back down, I saw him get up and said to them, “I’ll go get us something to drink.” To which my mother gave another smile and a nod.

After I saw him walk out of the family room, I asked my mother, “Did you know what he said?”

My mother gave a light shake of her head and a small smile, almost remorseful and defeated, and said,

“Child, you know I don’t understand Him.”

Right. That's right..you don't understand. I was ready to leave. I had already taken a few steps to face away from the table, but the words in my mind could not stop repeating themselves like the background static of a radio with poor reception.

He was standing by the doorway, patiently waiting for me.

Under the bright, white lights of our home, his pale complexion stood out even more compared to my own skin.

He was different. He wasn’t bad. He was decent. I was happy enough with him. It was fine. But was it enough?

Was this enough?

Before I could take another step towards him, I paused and looked back over my left shoulder at my mother.

They had already resumed their private conversation filled with smiles and gentle laughter.

I could not tell whether or not I had a smile on my own face.

~ November 5, 2011