I Met My Younger Self for Coffee

She was 15 min early. 
I was 15 min late. 

She ordered a hot caramel macchiato.
I ordered a hot soy chai latte.

She asked if I married someone who liked the same things we do.
I told her sort of - he likes our childhood memories. 

She asked if we lived within 2 blocks from our parents.
I told her we moved about 30 min away.

She asked how it was to have 1 baby girl.
I told her that we have been blessed with 2 amazing daughters.

She asked what it was like being a psychologist.
I told her that we never did that, but we found an incredibly flexible job where I work from home and can be present with our children like how we've always wanted. 

I missed her so much. 

I cried. 

I desperately want her to know and accept that she is so loved by God and that she is enough. 

I hope we have coffee again soon.

=============================

God has a plan. He has you in His hands. 

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:4 

~ 2/12/2025 

High school me and 35 year old me 

Under the Lights

The dim, yellow lights above guided our path to my house, and I found myself laughing lightly again at his words.

It was his first time visiting them here.

He’d met them before but still I felt nervous. He squeezed my hand gently as if I hadn’t responded to something he said or asked. I looked up and smiled softly at his face. He gave me comfort however unknowingly.

We had finally arrived.

My mother and aunt were drinking tea in the family room. I could hear the easy chatter even at the front door.

I walked past the threshold and said to the two of them just as I turned towards the stairs,

“Hi mom, hi Aunt May. I’m just going to grab something real quick. I’ll be right back. He’s here for a little bit, but we’re going to out again real soon.”

I left him alone with the two of them, and he sat by my mother, across from my aunt. They nodded and smiled at each other. My mother and aunt continued to smile politely but tried to speak to each other in a softer tone.

When I finally came back down, I saw him get up and said to them, “I’ll go get us something to drink.” To which my mother gave another smile and a nod.

After I saw him walk out of the family room, I asked my mother, “Did you know what he said?”

My mother gave a light shake of her head and a small smile, almost remorseful and defeated, and said,

“Child, you know I don’t understand Him.”

Right. That's right..you don't understand. I was ready to leave. I had already taken a few steps to face away from the table, but the words in my mind could not stop repeating themselves like the background static of a radio with poor reception.

He was standing by the doorway, patiently waiting for me.

Under the bright, white lights of our home, his pale complexion stood out even more compared to my own skin.

He was different. He wasn’t bad. He was decent. I was happy enough with him. It was fine. But was it enough?

Was this enough?

Before I could take another step towards him, I paused and looked back over my left shoulder at my mother.

They had already resumed their private conversation filled with smiles and gentle laughter.

I could not tell whether or not I had a smile on my own face.

~ November 5, 2011

The Woes of a Man

Fat man sees small door,
He knows he cannot fit through,
Tears flow freely.

Fat man hears laughter,
Tears run steadily down face,
The girl laughs harder.

Laughter travels far,
Fat man cries even louder,
Sounds of happiness.

Fat man has no hope,
Literally drowns in tears,
Laughter heard on land.

Trapped behind the door,
Nowhere to go, run, or hide,
Woes of a fat man.

The story of a man expressed in Haiku verses - a joint production with a dear friend.

~ October 23, 2011

You & Your Words

You said that if you had known,
you would have never let it happen.

You said that if you had been there,
you would have protected me and that
you would have stopped them from doing those cruel things to me.

You said that you would have saved me from the harm that I suffered when
I was vulnerable.

But no one was crueler than you.
All you did was feed me empty lies and meaningless words.

You put my hand to the fire and assured me that
I would not be burnt.

You put a knife in my hand and assured me that
I had the power to control such a strong weapon.
Never again would it make me bleed.

You threw me on the field and forced me to run and chase after the things
you aimed at me and assured me that
my endurance will only build.
What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger.

No one can compare to you and what you have done.
All these meaningless words that you’ve force-fed me and that I naively consumed.

You left me alone on the streets in the cold to chase after empty cars.
You left me defenseless and abandoned.

You left me with nothing.

You left me nothing but your words and the images of you replaying over and over again in my mind.
They had already taken over my being and replaced my heart with what you’ve left in me.

I may not remember their faces, but I will always remember you,

Your countenance, your cruelness,
Your ugliness, your heartlessness,
Your evilness, your emptiness,

You and your meaningless words.

They were not the worst in my life.


You are.

~ May 17, 2011

From the Bottom of Someone's Broken Heart

There’s only two types of guys out there,
the ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared.
So come here, a little closer,
I want to whisper in your ear,
I was born to make you happy,
‘cause you’re the only one within my heart.

That’s the way our lives should be.

I want to believe in everything that you say,
‘cause it sounds so good.
I never knew love till there was you.
There’s nowhere I’d rather be.

If you love me, trust in me the way that I trust in you.

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do.
That’s not the way I planned it.

Boy you’ve got me blinded.

You drive me crazy.
You’re toxic, I’m slipping under.
I’m a slave for you.
I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that
You’re toxic?

Baby, you spin me around.
The Earth is moving, but I can’t feel the ground.
Every time you look at me, my heart is jumping,
it’s easy to see.
And to lose all my senses, that is just
so typically me.

Every time I see
you in my dreams, I see your face,
it’s haunting me.

I guess I need you baby.

All I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right,
be with you day and night,
because you feel like paradise and I need a vacation tonight.

Show me how you want it to be,
tell me baby ‘cause I need to know now,
if there’s nothing missing in my life then why do tears come at night?

I’ve been waiting for so long it hurts.

How was I to know I’d miss you so?

I need to hear you say, you need me all the way.

So, baby if you love me,
please
don’t let me be the last to know.

~ May 11, 2011

---

This piece was written by purely using the lyrics from various Britney Spears' songs: Baby One more Time, Circus, Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know, Every time, From the Bottom of My Broken Heart, Hold it Against Me, I'm a Slave 4 You, Opps I Did it Again, Sometimes, Toxic, & You Drive Me Crazy.

Precious Love

My dear, where have you been
all my life?
Time is being wasted when you are not with me and if only
time can stop when you are by my side.

Darling, don’t you know how precious you are to me? You are the
apple of my eye.
My love, come over here already so that we can begin
our lives together, from
now on and forever will we live in happiness and love.

Wouldn’t life be so precious then?

~ May 12, 2011

Only You

Just because
of who you are and
how you live your life,
never had I admired someone so much that

the simple thought of you brings a smile to my face.

Never had I been so enamored with someone who I barely know, and

this is all because of

you.

Deep inside, I know that this will never last, but
every time I feel like breaking down, only you can cure me of my pain and

save me from the cruelty of reality.

Please let me see you a little longer, and

please, let me stay in this dream with you a little longer.

~ May 12, 2011

Senseless

Watch as the needle punctures through that first layer of skin,
as it goes deeper and deeper before it is slowly drawn out.
The flow of crimson follows the path down to the lines of love and life,
covering them with a thick, dense painting of the various shades of red.

Feel as the water fills your lungs and weighs your soul forward.
Feel its heavy movements as it works with gravity to force your body down
to give into the earth.
Feel as it consumes all of you, so heavy that there can be no release,
only the silent escapes that will do nothing but blur your vision.

Listen as the loud screeches continue to pierce your eardrums.
No matter how desperately you may try to protect yourself, to cover yourself, or
to recoil your body to save yourself,
there is no stopping to this sharp, loud, perpetuating pain.

Can’t you taste the residuals from your torture rushing out?

Doesn’t that vile smell of your slow demise repulse you?

If only senses could be controlled.

If only senses could be stopped.

What life would be if only it was senseless.

but.

isn’t it already?

~ May 2, 2011

Master Schemer

You walked in and called me out by name,
like you knew I would respond and follow you.
You knew what I would do.
You knew what I would say when you wanted my body and my mind.
You knew exactly what you were doing.

You, master schemer, you.
Knowing that everything is under your control.
One day, I will have a surprise waiting for you,
and we’ll see what you’ll do then.

You watch me like a puppeteer with his marionette.
My strings are in your hands.
Your words follow me around the stage.
All the while your silent laughter sounds from where you stand,
laughing as I act out your beloved play.

Master schemer, you.
Thinking that everything is under your control.
Your words your weapons, your strength your shield.
One day, someone will conquer this world you’ve built,
and we’ll see what you’ll do then.

You are the destroyer. You are the redeemer.
You built this up only to take it down,
to heal only to wound once more,
so that no victims of yours can escape.

You, master schemer, you.
Believing that everything is under your control.
One day, the world will take everything away,
and just you wait,
we’ll see what you’ll do then.

~ April 25, 2011

Let me go. Set me free.

Unchain me.
Release me.
Free me from these binds.

Rip me apart.
Tear me up.
See what I’m made of.

Let me go.
Set me free.
I want to finally breathe again.

Yell. Hit. Shout.
Do what you will.

Hoping no longer suffices.
Fighting no longer makes sense.

All I’m asking for is an end.

Stop this pain.
End this hurt.
All I want is to be able to live again.

I’ll give in.
I’ll surrender.
I’ll do what you want me to.

Just release this hold you have on me, and
let me go.

Set me free.

~ April 24, 2011

InFlames

You will be the ashes on the floor,
the broken leaves abandoned on the ground,
the dirt left by the door.

You’ll be a bridge I got to burn.

You will be the blood dripping from my veins,
the tears I wipe away,
the pain I try to hide in vain.

You’re just a bridge I got the burn.

Floating in a sea of red,
all I want is to see -
to see more intention,
to see more passion,
to see more extermination.

You are just a bridge I got to burn.

You are the doll I locked away,
the witch dying on the stake,
the wall we got to break.

You are a bridge I got to burn.

Simply-
burn.
burn.
burn.

You are just a bridge I got to burn.

~ April 14, 2011

Summer's Presence

Summer is here when the calendar shows the date – June 1st.

Summer is here when schools finally announce their last day, their last hour, their last minute of the school year, and their students rush out shouting in joy, throwing their backpacks in random directions, and running to their friends’ homes to play games.

Summer is here when fields and fields of flowers rise up to greet the sun with bright smiles and take in the fresh dew resting on their petals.

Summer is here when the sky is left with nothing but a beautiful soft shade of blue and the round yellow yoke of the sun.

Summer is here when birds begin their nonstop chatter too early in the morning that carries onto the evening where crickets take their baton and begin their own version of singing.

Summer is here when you realize that you can no longer get SAD, but instead you get CHASED – Constantly Hyper-Active, Senseless, & Energetic Disorder.

Summer is here when little children run to follow the sweet melody of an ice-cream truck, only to have their delicious treats melt all over their pudgy hands and newly washed T-shirts as the ice-cream man drives away.

Summer is here when teenagers cram themselves into small cars to find an escape from the summer heat, only to arrive at the beach and receive no release whatsoever from the nonexistent wind.

Summer is here when you desperately try to cool yourself off in front of an opened refrigerator and roll pieces of ice down your arms, because you can’t take off anymore clothes and you feel as if you’re a crab in a boiling pot.

Summer is here when people who have not yet let go of their youth run around in the parks at midnight to play tag with their friends.

Summer is here when you can sit peacefully on your balcony with a glass of cold lemonade and lean back against your wooden chair to see the night sky.

Summer is here when you finally acknowledge its presence and existence, and you can longingly say at last –

“You are Here.”

~ May 17, 2010

The Temptation of Light

I rush towards the door,
unexpectedly eager to see the wonders of this world,
so very tempted by the rays of light
seeping
through its bottom.

The fast passing of two entities is ever so ordinary, ever so insignificant.
Like a quick, stolen glance that holds no meaning.

A hesitating step takes me into a world of wonders.

So foreign. So strange.
I can see the delicate, mystic melody floating in the air.
Its harmony echoing softly through the fields.
I follow its movement easily and dance along quietly with my fingers.

From that moment I knew.
That one,
simple glance was enough.
Brief but plenty.
It was a glimpse of happiness,
an escape of
daylight.

So colorful. So vibrant.
The flowers dance and rejoice around me.
I can feel their joyous celebration.
I can hear their cheers and laughter echoing in my ears.

Isn’t it so much better here?

So beautiful. So safe and comforting,
compared to before.

I have
fallen
in love with this fantasy.

How I want to dedicate my life to this world,
this land of light.

How eager I am to choose this life.

I cannot help but to embrace this cold, hard surface beneath my feet.

~ April 9, 2011

Down that Familiar Hole

Down, down, down.
To plunge into the hole.
To be immersed with the surrounding darkness.
To witness everything else falling alongside me.
Down, down, down.
To leave the world I know behind.
To feel the rush of ecstasy from entering a realm unknown.
To let the butterflies residing within me free and live at last.

How my stomach starts to turn and rushes out of my mouth,
to spill my guts, to spill my unease, to spill my needs, to spill myself, to spill my pain.

To imagine that people actually yearn for this rush,
this exhilarating feeling of being on a roller coaster ride,
this constant cycle of keeping yourself on your toes.

I cannot possibly understand. I am only forced to understand and be pulled into their world.

The more resistance, the greater the tension.

I can feel the gravity pulling my body apart.
Must I give in? Must I simply let go and allow this to take me where it wants?
Down, down, down.
My vision gone. My voice lost. My mind mad.
The impact too strong. Its effects too great.
I don’t feel like myself anymore.
Down, down, down.
Such a long journey that I’ve been forced to travel.
Let it stop.
Please let it end.
So far down..
I suppose I like the feel of this cold air,
those consuming shadows,
and the empty space.
Let me stay here.
Leave me be.
As I try to look up to see where I once began to fall into the hole,
the last speck of light is gone.

~ April 4, 2011

I Have

I have a peach on the table.

I have a hat sitting on a rack.

I have a spoon buried in my bag of chips.

I have a roll of tissue to help me through the day.

I have a pair of hands my mother desires.

I have a mind that my father wanted.

I have the flaws that my imaginary sister will never have.

I have legs that do not want to run on the streets.

I have the fears that my make-believe brother does not fear.

I have a candle sinking in a bowl of water.

I have a penguin that does not waddle.

I have a circle with no center, like a doughnut with no filling.

I have a pair of jeans that cannot be worn.

I have skin too tan to see the sun.

I have a snail that is burning from the salt.

I have a stone waiting for the waves,

waiting for the waves to tear its parts away and to lose them in the violent seas.

I have a pile of money buried underground.

I have road signs placed on every corner.

I have a list of people I’m dying to meet.

I have a rocket ready to fly into space.

I have

nothing.

~ February 6, 2010

I am Ready

Ready to sign the death warrant

Ready to burn the entire forest with a large flaming torch and watch the enchanted city glow in red and orange spotlights only to slow to an end in black ashes

Ready to throw that infuriating pillar down and shatter it into countless pieces across the floor

Ready to rip apart that old rugged cloth and listen to its strands protest and cry out in agony

Ready to take up the sword and stab through the contents and let the insides run to flush out its life and disgust

Ready to blow out that dreaded candle lighting up the silent room forgotten down the hall

Ready to stop the trails of red from running down the wall

Ready to turn off the switch and save

Ready to simply erase it all


Ready to say goodbye.

~ March 29, 2011

Release

A small flame against the burning fire.
A spark of darkness amongst the black night.
Seek me. See.

The silent blow of the wind in a storm.
The unheard cry of a child amidst cheerful laughter.
Hear me. Listen.

The more it tries, the faster the light dies.
The more it shouts, the quicker the sound fades.
See the spark. Hear the whisper.

The smallest corner of a puzzle cannot be missed.
The tiniest indentation of a tooth is noticed.
It is already seen. Its existence is already known.
For He has already seen.
For He has always cherished,
like the most precious gem ever created.

The echo from the fall of a tree in the wilderness still resonates.
The scream from the bird in the empty desert still cries.
It had always been heard. It had always held a voice.
For He has already heard.
For He has already listened to its cries
since its beginning and before its birth.

Glow with the fire that has been buried and hidden inside.
Shine with the light that has already been given to you.
The star will still radiate just as brightly as all the others.
Eyes will see.
They will realize.

No need to try, to yearn, to cower.

Sing to your fullest. Release that faithful melody from long ago.
Be the harmony.
Be empowered by the Voice. Move and speak with your will.
You have a voice.
Ears will hear.
They will recognize.

Do not strain. Do not be silenced. Do not fear.

It is and it will always be beautiful.

To know. To trust. To believe.

Existence, worth, and strength – Never forget,
never fade away, for there is understanding,
there is value, there is Love.

“Take heart. I am.”

~ March 22, 2010

Standing in the Center

So cold. So frozen.
Where am I?

So far. So distant.
What is this that I see?

So continuous. So still.
How can this be?

The one punished for looking back,
The one reprimanded for thinking forward,
The one imprisoned for being in the present.

When has it become this way?
Why? How? Where?
What?

I cannot seem to remember. I cannot seem to recall.

Perhaps from the moment that light was declared, this was the way
that it had always been.

What’s the difference?

What’s the matter?

How is it that there can be no movement and no sound,
not even the slightest trickle of the night’s rain?

So calm? So quiet? So at peace?

Is that how it is now?
Is this what it is like?

A simple stone on the edge of the cliff with no sense of
fear, shame, sadness, or anything?

What is that? over there. look? will you please?

I turn back to the cliff to reach down and pick up the small round marble,
this tiny fragment of the Earth, and
I throw it far across the ocean.

What is this?

Carefree? Lightened? Free?

I turn away from the scene and look at the empty space ahead of me.

Water in a jar.
Air in a balloon.

A reflection in the mirror.


The crystallization of nothing.

~ March 23, 2010

To Do List

To circle. To step. To tip toe.
To reach. To yearn. To envy.
To drop. To trip. To faint.
To sleep. To stop. To end.

Lose. Forfeit. Die.

To open. To let go. To cry.
To need. To rely. To trust.
To forget. To not think. To release.
To savor. To dare. To save.

Gain. Believe. Live.

~ March 23, 2010

Talking to My Therapist

Thank you for everything that you’ve done.
Thank you. I love you.
Really. Yes. Why not?
No. No, I can’t.

I don’t need you.
Can you love a monster? No. You can’t.
You care. Sure. You sympathize. Yes. You pity. Right.

Why is it that every time I’m here,
I’m reminded of how cold-blooded of an animal I really am?

I don’t even see why I come to these places.

Oh? Really now?
What do you think of me then?

You’re right. It doesn’t matter.
I don’t need you. You don’t matter.

Why should you matter?

I have him.

He is all I’ll ever need.
His approval is the only one that I seek. He keeps me sane.
He is the only one who knows where my box really is though.
He is the only one who has the key to the lock, didn’t you know?
He is the only one I would ever consider to be worthy.

I guess we don’t really matter to each other then, me and you.

What are you still doing here?
I’m right aren’t I?

I know I am.

What are you doing here again?
I’m doing just fine.
Why do you call?
I told you, I’m doing great.
I’m fine. You can go.

Bye now.

Why am I still talking to you?

~ March 24, 2010